Grayson

Sometimes when something awful happens, it takes some time to recover. Its been 3 weeks and I still have no desire to write this post. In fact the only reason I am writing this is because of something Bryan said. When he was taking a photo of an injured Grayson (see photo below) and I told him to stop, don't take pictures of our injured baby, he said, "twenty years from now, when you tell him this story, you are going to be grateful that I took a picture". And he's right. Dang it! If we don't write down our trials for our kids to see/read/learn from then we are doing them a disservice. Hopefully, Grayson will be able to tell from reading this that, 1. I love him more than life itself 2. that sometimes bad things happen and we can do nothing about them except learn something 3. that even though my brain says "not my fault" I find that I am closely related to Rex from Toy Story. "Now I have GUILT!" and so Grayson, I am so sorry that I let harm befall you! and 4. Well, there is a #4, but I think that I will tell you it after the main event. So.... here's Grayson's story.

It was a typical Thursday morning. After seeing the big kids off to school, the plan was to do a little housework, wash a few loads of the ever present laundry, and then Grayson and I were gonna hit the gym to swim and stop at the library. I took him upstairs and put the baby gate up at the top of the stairs. I even made sure that it was steady and secure. We pulled all of the 12 month old toys out of the attic a few weeks ago and they were all cleaned up and in his room. The last few days before "the incident" he had played happily with his new toys while I did the daily upstairs jobs. Today was no different. I had just finished making my bed and was headed to my bathroom to wipe it down when I heard the baby gate crash and a little thump... thump... thump... coming from the stairs I rushed out of the room in time to see Grayson falling head over heels down the bottom third of the stairs to crash down hard on his head on the wood flooring in the foyer. His momentum flipped him over on to his stomach where he lay still. I seriously think my heart stopped. I screamed his name and went flying down the stairs, almost falling in the process. He was screaming by the time I got to him, but he was still laying still. I very carefully rolled him over and saw the huge purple lump on his head. I did the only smart thing and called 911. Grayson laid there on the floor screaming, not trying to roll over to get up, not reaching out for me to hold him. I was so scared. I couldn't form coherent thoughts, let alone sentences. I managed to text 911 to Bryan and I kept trying to pray. All I could get out was "O Heavenly Father, PLEASE help him!" Grayson quit crying in order to hear the siren better as it approached. That helped me to back away from the edge of full blown hysteria. The paramedics arrived to find me in tears and close to, but not quit, hysterical and Grayson laying QUIETLY on the floor. The paramedics asked me what had happened and once I had told them, they started looking Grayson over. The paramedic asked me if he was always this quiet. I said no and Grayson backed me up by starting to scream again. They placed his neck in an immobilizer and strapped him carefully to a backboard. They told me to grab my purse, shoes, a favorite stuffed animal or blankie for Grayson and anything else I might need for the ambulance ride. I was only partially with it as I remembered to grab Grayson's bear, but not my shoes or my purse. I had to head back upstairs a second time to get my shoes. We all loaded up in the ambulance and took off for MCV, a Richmond area hospital with a trauma center 30 minutes away. We took off and the EMT in the back of the ambulance continued to check Grayson over and asked me questions about what had happened, how he'd hit the floor, and he keep check Gryason's vital signs. About 10 minutes into the ride, Grayson cried himself to sleep! The medic woke him up, and he stayed awake for about 20 seconds then closed his eyes again. This time when the EMT tried to wake him, he didn't respond. I started calling his name and touching his face. He finally opened his eyes a little, but didn't seem to be focusing on anything. It was the longest 30 minutes of my entire life!! Once we arrived they took him straight into the trauma area of the ER. I couldn't go with him. Thus began the second longest 30 minutes of my life! I think it weighed in as the second worst only because in my head I knew they were doing what was best for him. I cried and paced and cried some more. The kind female chaplain that was waiting for me when the ambulance arrived tried to distract me, but it didn't work. A nurse came and got me and said they were almost finished with Gryason and that I could go back to see him. When I got back there they were repeating the chest x-ray. He was wiggling too much on the first one. Once he was in my arms again, I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time since this all began. Grayson quit screaming as soon as I picked him up, and even though he was still wearing the neck collar, we both felt that the world was back on its proper axis. They wanted to keep an eye on Grayson for a while, but were confident enough that he was OK, that they downgraded him from a trauma patient to a regular er patient and sent us to wait in a room in the children's ER. Bryan arrived about then after rushing home from school to find my van in the driveway and Grayson and I gone. He called the 3 hospitals closest to us and we weren't there. He finally located us by talking to the neighbor. (Our sweet neighbor came down to see if we needed any help with the kids so that I could be with Grayson. Luckily, Jaden was at preschool and a quick call to a good friend took care of him.) Bryan gave Grayson a blessing first thing. When Grayson's blood work came back, there was a little bit of worry. His lactic acid levels were elevated a bit. The doctor explained it to us that it either meant that Grayson was a little dehydrated after all the screaming and crying he had done or that it could also signal tissue damage. They gave him IV fluids to rehydrate him and then repeated his blood work. The second time around his levels came back good. The doctors felt that since there was no symptoms of head trauma, beyond his several bumps, that he could have his neck brace removed. He was so much happier once it was off. Then, we waited, and waited some more. They keep checking him for signs of a head injury and keep a close eye on him. About 6 hours later, they finally decided that he could go home. We had strict instructions on what to watch for and we were told not to hesitate for a second to bring him back if he wasn't himself.

All told, the little man "walked" away from it all with 3 lumps on his head (the one on his temple was the worst and over the next few days turned pretty black and purple), a bruise on his shoulder, a bruise line across his back (we think he hit the front edge of a stair), and a healthy size momma complex. He doesn't like to have ANYONE else hold him, feed him, or play with him except momma! I'm taking that as a good sign that he doesn't blame me!

So, the 4th lesson from this experience is this: never trust the baby gate. Literally and figuratively. I know I will never trust that a baby gate will keep you safe ever again. And Grayson, I hope that you never trust your "gates" to keep you safe either. Boundaries and limits that we impose on ourselves are a good idea, but we mustn't assume that we can crawl right up to them and pull ourselves up on them and expect them to hold our full weight. Our limits of what we will and will not do, what is right and what is wrong, aren't meant to be tested. We aren't supposed to see how close we can get without knocking them down. Keeping ourselves far back from that edge keeps us safe and happy. You never know when one of those gates will let you down. I want you to be happy, just like you were when we left the hospital, safe and snug with your bear in your car seat! I love you my little man.